I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
