You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
