Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
