My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
