my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
