I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
