What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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