you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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