Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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