The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
