sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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