I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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