WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
