I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
