I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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