You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
