Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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