if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
