I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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