need another drink. this is the easiest way
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
