community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
sex in a hospital.. check
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
