You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
