My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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