I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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