It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
