i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
