Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
