OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
operation harelip BJ is a go
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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