Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Randomize
