My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
