just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
