If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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