if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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