I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
