I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
