That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
