He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
