My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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