I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
