You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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