even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
