Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
