Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
