I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
