Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
