Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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