I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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