i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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