did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
