everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize