My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
