I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
