How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
