And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
