The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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