my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
