I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
