He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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