My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
